I have so many positive and wonderful things I could write
about right now. I could write about the cool ministry opportunities that
opened up this week. Or I could tell about watching a women be healed and get
out of the bed and walk when she could hardly move only minutes before.  Or the family I met in the township that
needs the Lord and how much I already love them. Yes I could write about all
these things, but my heart wouldn't be in it. I could pretend that I am doing
well and that I am seeing the fruit in my life bursting forth and I walk with
God in such joy, but I must say I'm just not there right now.

I am tired today and I feel a little beaten down. I'm
discouraged and I feel alone. I write this only to testify that yes being here
holds so many wonderful things, but it's also a waging war that can get the
best of you. Today we visited another church and I tried to gather myself
together, but I just realized I'm over it. I'm over the freshness of Jeffrey's
Bay. I'm over the newness of the teammates. I'm over the sickness I see many
days. I'm over the drive to walk closely with the Lord. I'm over the feeling of
being on the biggest adventure of my life. I'm just over it. I didn't want to
sing, I didn't want to be moved, I didn't want to learn, I just didn't want to
be there. I just wanted to be alone and I wanted to cry. I didn't want to live
in community any more. I didn't want to search for ministry opportunities for
this next week. I didn't want to be the person I know that God is wooing me to
become.

I think it all started yesterday. The less time I spend with
the God the more nostalgic I get. The more I don't care. The more numb I
become. The more my mouth runs and spews darkness. The more I feel alone.  I've neglected my time alone with the Lord
more than usual this past week. I wake up and I have a hard time getting my
thought together about the Lord, then I am pulled in another direction. I've
missed the talks I've had with God. I miss His strength moving through me and
His words flowing from me.

I feel like I have to be a certain way with people. I feel
like I can't unveil myself before my supporters, my family, my teammates, even
my Savior. This is not the life that God has called me to. He desires for me to
be bare before Him…since He sees me for what I truly am, even when I try to
cover it up. This week in our discipleship, we talked about how we veil
ourselves.  We cover up things. We don't
let people in. We are inauthentic.  I
don't mean to be inauthentic…but I am. This hurts living in community and it
hurts the Body of Christ as a whole. I don't have it all together and there are
days, like today, that I wake up and I really don't want to follow Christ. I
would rather pull the covers over my head and sit in my self-pity than meet
with believers and worship my God and love those around me.  There are days that when God asks me (like
he did Adam and Eve in the Garden) where are you? And I answer Him "I'm here,
but I want to be left alone today. I don't want to unveil myself today. I'm
just over it…over Your Glory and over You." 
God doesn't come at me and force himself on me. He knows me too
well.  He is a gentleman and does not
give up.  He knows exactly how to
approach me. He knows the right words to say to woo me. He knows me…without my
veil and He still wants me. He knows that I would rather sleep than walk with
Him. I don't have to pretend. He loves me so much that He doesn't let me stay
like this. He loves me so much that he doesn't let me get over it. He speaks my
language. His creation causes my heart to melt a little. His Word chips away at
my numbness.  His children speak life to
me and my heart begins to beat again. His song lifts my chin up. And His smile
strips me of myself. It's then that I realize that I'm not over it. I'm not
over Him! I do want God. I want all of him! I want to be known and to know Him.
I don't want all the things that cause me to love Him less. I want Him and I
want Him to the fullest. No more veils. No more pretending. No more
inauthenticy. It's just me for all that I am and hope to be. It's just me
realizing that I will never be over God.