I have so many positive and wonderful things I could write
about right now. I could write about the cool ministry opportunities that
opened up this week. Or I could tell about watching a women be healed and get
out of the bed and walk when she could hardly move only minutes before. Or the family I met in the township that
needs the Lord and how much I already love them. Yes I could write about all
these things, but my heart wouldn’t be in it. I could pretend that I am doing
well and that I am seeing the fruit in my life bursting forth and I walk with
God in such joy, but I must say I’m just not there right now.
I am tired today and I feel a little beaten down. I’m
discouraged and I feel alone. I write this only to testify that yes being here
holds so many wonderful things, but it’s also a waging war that can get the
best of you. Today we visited another church and I tried to gather myself
together, but I just realized I’m over it. I’m over the freshness of Jeffrey’s
Bay. I’m over the newness of the teammates. I’m over the sickness I see many
days. I’m over the drive to walk closely with the Lord. I’m over the feeling of
being on the biggest adventure of my life. I’m just over it. I didn’t want to
sing, I didn’t want to be moved, I didn’t want to learn, I just didn’t want to
be there. I just wanted to be alone and I wanted to cry. I didn’t want to live
in community any more. I didn’t want to search for ministry opportunities for
this next week. I didn’t want to be the person I know that God is wooing me to
become.
I think it all started yesterday. The less time I spend with
the God the more nostalgic I get. The more I don’t care. The more numb I
become. The more my mouth runs and spews darkness. The more I feel alone. I’ve neglected my time alone with the Lord
more than usual this past week. I wake up and I have a hard time getting my
thought together about the Lord, then I am pulled in another direction. I’ve
missed the talks I’ve had with God. I miss His strength moving through me and
His words flowing from me.
I feel like I have to be a certain way with people. I feel
like I can’t unveil myself before my supporters, my family, my teammates, even
my Savior. This is not the life that God has called me to. He desires for me to
be bare before Him…since He sees me for what I truly am, even when I try to
cover it up. This week in our discipleship, we talked about how we veil
ourselves. We cover up things. We don’t
let people in. We are inauthentic. I
don’t mean to be inauthentic…but I am. This hurts living in community and it
hurts the Body of Christ as a whole. I don’t have it all together and there are
days, like today, that I wake up and I really don’t want to follow Christ. I
would rather pull the covers over my head and sit in my self-pity than meet
with believers and worship my God and love those around me. There are days that when God asks me (like
he did Adam and Eve in the Garden) where are you? And I answer Him “I’m here,
but I want to be left alone today. I don’t want to unveil myself today. I’m
just over it…over Your Glory and over You.”
God doesn’t come at me and force himself on me. He knows me too
well. He is a gentleman and does not
give up. He knows exactly how to
approach me. He knows the right words to say to woo me. He knows me…without my
veil and He still wants me. He knows that I would rather sleep than walk with
Him. I don’t have to pretend. He loves me so much that He doesn’t let me stay
like this. He loves me so much that he doesn’t let me get over it. He speaks my
language. His creation causes my heart to melt a little. His Word chips away at
my numbness. His children speak life to
me and my heart begins to beat again. His song lifts my chin up. And His smile
strips me of myself. It’s then that I realize that I’m not over it. I’m not
over Him! I do want God. I want all of him! I want to be known and to know Him.
I don’t want all the things that cause me to love Him less. I want Him and I
want Him to the fullest. No more veils. No more pretending. No more
inauthenticy. It’s just me for all that I am and hope to be. It’s just me
realizing that I will never be over God.
Great blog, Amber – thank you. However inauthentic you may feel with your team, however veiled you may come across, your transparency here in this blog is great. And who can’t relate to waking up and feeling bleh? It happens whether you’re in J-bay or at home. The great thing to know is that my own humanity is affirmed as you express your own brokenness. I (and I’m guessing others) see that I’m not a freak – that what I’m feeling is common to others, that it’s OK to struggle.
Hey thanks for being real. We need that today. So many people do walk around with the fake smile and the fake “Im fine”. You bing real and saying that you are struggling is going only to draw you closer to God and to your teammates. I will be praying for your and encouraging you to stay this real. Let your team know how you feel. You are awesome and are makign a difference in JBay. Keep it up and know that the Lord does know you and doesn’t give up.
We love you Amber, and know that God is using you, and all of this not only for the moment, but for what He has in store for you in the future. He is shaping you by all that He allows in your life. The process is hard, but the pay off is big.
All of us go through periods of discouragement. James said, “Consider it all joy when you encounter trials”. He did not mean you should be happy. What he meant was that we should focus on, and take joy in the fact, that we are joining in His sufferings, and storing up treasures in Heaven. One day Jesus will say to you, Amber, you did good. Well done my good and faithful servant.
Truthfully, ministry is hard. I wonder at times why God doesn’t make it easier. Think of the Apostle Paul. He met the risen Christ, and had a calling that was crystal clear, and yet everywhere he went, there were obstacles. Even at the end of his life, the churches he planted looked pretty dismal. And yet look how profoundly he was used by God.
Be sure you are getting adequate physical rest as we tend to be more subject to discouragement when we are run down physically. We will be praying for you. Just know that we love you.
Your Mississippi family
Mitchell
I know exactly where you are. I am feeling the exact same way. I love to know that there are other people feeling the same way. Deep inside I know it’s the devil’s lies, and that I need to fight through it with God I can do it, without him . . . well that’s just depressing. I pray that you will be strengthened in faith and perseverance. Love, Em
Hey Amber,
Sounds like God is working on you…man I have realized so many times lately that God uses me most when I am most lost, low, desperate, hungry, searching, wondering, asking. I am reading Daniel and it has been so crazy to think that God put his servants through so much turbulence and obstacles. I keep wondering as I read why God didn’t just stop the trials before they came, cease the hardship when it was spotted. I highly recommend Daniel as a reminder of seeing God work through circumstance. God was so fully aware of this king and what he was doing but gave him so many chances at the detriment of Daniel and his fellow Israelites. The story however turns as God comes to the scene and serves the king with reality.
I am praying for you today and the way in which HE is shaping you. I am asking for blessing and quiet places over the next few months for you. Sometimes those are the hardest things to find in life. Places to Disconnect from the world and ReConnect with the FATHER!
your honesty is truly amazing and blessed my heart today i mean this i really needed to read this today thai thank God for you honest and truthful heart.i will pray for you.
God bless,
jaymees mom
Amber- I love how real you are! I have been struggling with my daily devotions in the morning and it is something that I long for but haven’t given my time up to God yet. I have been faithfully praying that God will allow me to get up and want to be awaken by Him. You are in my prayers and thank you so much for opening my eyes to a whole new light!
Thanks for being so honest about the struggles you are facing. Only when we acknowledge our shortcomings can God work in them. That’s true at home and abroad. I will be praying for you that you will feel a new strength and passion reignite. You’ve got us praying for you in this specific way.
In Christ,
Kathy